I didn’t even hurt this bad when Will left. But now, I’m literally sick to my stomach. Have you ever read something, or heard something, that drops your heart down into your stomach? Makes you feel like you’ve lost the ability to breath, speak, and tears hit you so fast you don’t know what to do? Well, I felt that today. I wasn’t ready for it. At all. I’m still not. I can’t get through an hour without thinking about it, and crying. I just don’t understand. I won’t get into the nasty details, because thats what they are. Nasty. Awful. Terrible. Crushing. For the first time in a year, I felt so disrespected and hurt by someone I let into my life. I felt safe telling Will things. I felt comfortable. He eased me into letting go of some of my fears. I felt I was wide open. I dropped every wall I could have built, and let him in. Let him so far in that he hurt me bad. If you have never had someone look you in the eye and lie to you, I can’t tell you what it feels like. You won’t understand. And for your sake, I hope you never do. I felt like Will cared about me. I felt like even though he left to go to school, he genuinely cared about me. Over the past few weeks, he has pushed me away. That hurt too. Knowing someone is consciously making an effort to ease you out of their life. I honestly don’t know what he tells himself at night to sleep. I have sacrificed a lot for him. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I cared so much. I enjoy making him happy. But it never even mattered. I feel like for the past year he took advantage of me. He understood how much I cared, and he used that to get what he needed. How do you hurt someone like this? How do you make someone feel so bad? Think so little of themselves? I was once a vibrant person. I feel like I’m fading. I never questioned myself, but now I do. I question why I’m not good enough. I question what I could have done in my life to deserve this? How does someone hurt you, and then just keep moving? How does someone know they are doing wrong, and just keep going on with life? I’m not going to stop being who I am. Life is hard. Really hard. All I have ever wanted was to show people, especially Will, that life can be really beautiful if you let it. People are actually good, if you just let them in. But how can I try to show people that if now I’m questioning it? I don’t get why anyone would be okay with hurting me. I won’t even try to understand. I want to move past this. I want to be able to think about Will, or talk to Will, or see him, and not feel like I do right now. I want this to be over. I’m trying my best to process this all, so I can move on from it. Lying, being deceitful, hurting someone you are supposed to care about. None of these are good. And for what? How do you feel now? You feel good about yourself? Are you happy? Are you satisfied? Probably not. And you know why? Because being a bad person leaves you feeling sad and empty. I honestly think that the way I move past it is to treat him like I want to be treated. We all make mistakes. I made one today too, which has caused me suffering. If I just treat him well, he will eventually learn that you aren’t supposed to do this. You’re not supposed to hurt people you care about. You’re supposed to treasure them, and treat them well.

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