I grew up thinking there is no way my mother knows anything about what I’m going through. I never thought she was right, and we fought a lot because of it. Turns out, all that mumbling and nonsense was pretty on point. It wasn’t until about the age of 25 that I realized she is actually pretty smart, and gives really great advice. When she told me yesterday “You have to think about whats best for the both of you”, it got me thinking.
Never did I imagine that 10 months ago when I began hanging out with Will that I would develop any type of feelings for him. We bonded over small things like our love of the Redskins and college football, or that we were both involved in Greek organizations, or drinking. We also had in common the issue that we were both recently single, not really ready for a new relationship. But it was certainly nice to have a new friend, and a warm body. We spent more and more time together over the course of the next few months. What began as a friendship developed into more. At least for me.
I have no doubt in my mind that Will cares about me. But when I began to develop feelings for Will, we weren’t on the same page. In the beginning, I didn’t care much about a relationship. I didn’t need to say he was my boyfriend. It just wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t until my feelings got stronger, that I felt like I wanted that next step. And it was possibly for a selfish reason. I wanted to be able to feel like he was mine, and not available for any other girl. The thought of him with someone else makes me sick. Will was completely resistant to a relationship. So I patiently waited. I felt like if I showed Will that he could trust me, and that I wasn’t trying to hurt him, he would want to be with me.
Will and I have conversations about just about everything. In the beginning of the year, it was really apparent that he had a passion for the human mind. It wasn’t just because we work in the psychology field. It was a passion for the way media, advertising, and branding evokes a person’s thought processes and emotions. It was related to how these entities get through to a person. On a whim, I showed him the VCU Brandcenter website. I had vaguely heard about the school, as I had graduated from VCU, and I thought maybe it was something that would interest him. This little whim is the very thing that ripped Will away. He decided to apply for the Creative Brand Management track, and after months and months of prepping, editing, and stressing over his application, he was accepted. I will never forget the way I felt when he told me he had gotten in to the program. As he was jumping up and down, excited for the news, excited for the new adventure, my heart was breaking. I was a mix between being so absolutely happy for him, proud that his hard work had reaped the desired reward, and so incredibly sad. It was in that instant that I realized everything would change, and I would inevitably lose him. And lose every chance of moving forward into what I had hoped would be a happy relationship. He had told me there was no way he was willing to attempt a long distance relationship, so it was just the summer that I had left to savor before he would be gone on his great adventure.
The summer flew by. I spent a lot of it with Will. I cherished every memory we made, and every moment I was able to be with him, because in the back of my mind I was always thinking about the end. I like the think I’m a honest person. I try my best not to lie. But I kept a lot of my feelings from Will. I’m sure he knows how much I care about him, or that I’m sad to see him leave, but it wasn’t until yesterday that I became 100% honest with him. My heart is broken. For 10 months, we could have been happier. He continuously pushed me away. He wasn’t ready to commit to me, but I wasn’t ready to accept it. I spent those months trying to show him how good people really can be. I never did anything to deserve him being so closed off. I didn’t hurt him. But I came into his life at a time when he wasn’t ready to open up. I’m mad. Really angry and really hurt. I hate that I wasn’t able to get the chance that other people got. I would never have treated him like others have, others that were given chance after chance, and screwed it up. Screwed it up for me. I can’t change the way Will feels, as much as I tried. But my mom made me realize I can change the way I feel, or the way I think.
I’m very happy for Will. I never want to overshadow this great accomplishment by my sadness. I’m trying my best to focus on the positive aspects of this situation. I was able to spend 10 months getting to know a really great person. He became such a special person to me and one of my best friends. I told him things I’ve never had the courage to tell anyone else. He doesn’t understand why I care about him so much. But he pushed me to be a better person, though he made not realize it. I was terrified to share my true thoughts and feelings via my blog. He encouraged me to keep writing, and keep sharing, because thats what my blog is for. I was able to learn about someone completely different than me, and understand more about how different people can be, even when they seem so similar. He supported me when I needed him. I know he wants the best for me, and I want the best for him. I’m scared to be without him, and not see him often. I’m scared about the future, but no matter what happens, I hope I always have Will in my life.