I think most people would stick me in the “usually happy, can sometimes be bitchy, but totally not depressed” category. Hell, thats where I would stick myself. But honestly, its not where I belong. The “sometimes bitchy” part is spot on. I try my best not to be a bitch, but I don’t feel like fighting it all the time. And lately, I’ve been fighting a lot of things, especially depression. Oh no, I said the D word. I’m not your typical textbook case of depressed. I eat, sleep, and I continue to do activities I enjoy. Mainly because, my knowledge of mental health has led me to believe that if I keep on with my life, keep trying to do all the things that made me happy, use my coping skills, then I won’t be so sad all the time. Truthfully, its been years since I could say “I’m happy”. If someone were to ask me today if I was happy. I would lie. I would say I was definitely happy. Because, really, who wants to be around someone they don’t think is happy. I certainly wouldn’t want to be around myself if I knew in the back of my head I was thinking about how sad I can be. And I really don’t need the sympathy from anyone, because how would that help me? I do not need someone asking me how I am all the time. Eventually, they would get tired of getting the same honest answer of how down I feel. I don’t need someone babying me, doing things for me, treating me like fine china. When someone treats me well, I want it to be because they care about me, they want me to be happy, or thats just what kind of a person they are. Not because they know I’m depressed and they’re afraid their actions will damage me. I’m damaged already and I can worry about myself. I don’t need someone else to feel like they have to also. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. Where I can say, yep, I’m depressed. Am I the depressed that thinks about suicide? Not even close. So get those thoughts out of your head. I’m the depressed that needs extra to get to a comfortable place. I work twice as hard as everyone else to be comfortable. I say comfortable, because I don’t think I’ve gotten to that happy place in far too long. But I’m really working on it. I’m working on getting everything right in my life, to where I feel happy again. Its been such a journey. Literally, every time I take a step forward I get pushed back 2 steps. But I continue to move forward because I truly believe that this is not as good as it gets. Anyone who knows me, knows that I cry. I cry about everything. But for me, thats my way of working through it all. Sometimes I feel like if I cry hard enough or long enough, I will wash away the bad feelings. I’ll wash away whatever has chosen to bring me down in that moment. Lately, its been the moments that have been sad, not the days, or the weeks. There was a time when the feeling of hopeless lasted for weeks. Then it was days. Now I feel like I can celebrate this time. The time where I realize I’m in that moment. That moment of depression. I realize it, then I don’t allow it to take me further. Maybe I need the cry to bring me out. Sometimes its a text that does it. Or the smile of a friend, or even a stranger. I’m going to continue to fight, because thats what I feel like I deserve. I deserve to be in a place, where those depressed moments are so few that I can’t remember when the last one occurred.