Tinder, a “dating” app, is designed to provide users with a location-based method of finding their Mr. or Mrs. Right. Well, wrong. Although some will download the app for this purpose, the real reasons why people use this app are not to find love. More like find their next sexual conquest, or just flip through the opposite sex users in their area. The app allows users to swipe right if they like what they see, and swipe left if they don’t. Initially I got the app to see what all the hype was about, but now I find myself browsing just to pass some time. I’m not looking to find a guy, so it just gives me the opportunity to have a few laughs at some poor guys’ expense. Why would I laugh? Because the men of Tinder are absolutely ridiculous. I can’t say what men think of us Tinder-using women, but I could give the men a few tips/tricks on what to do and what not to do. Every woman is different, so I’m not speaking for all the ladies, but some of these are universal rules. 

Everyone takes selfies. If you say you don’t, you’re lying. However, I find it only acceptable for females to use them on social media. If you MUST use a selfie fellas, limit it to 1. I do not need to see 6 pictures of you at the gym flexing your abs. I’m sure you worked very hard for those abs, but now you just look desperate to show them off. 

If I look at your name and can’t pronounce it, then I have to swipe left. If I was really looking to date someone on Tinder, why would I want to struggle to say your name? I never thought I had a type but I think it might be white guys with common names (or Hispanic ones, named Will).

You could be a model, but if you have on a pair of cargo pants/shorts, then sorry but I’m not sorry to swipe left. I mean, what do you need with all of those pockets? Cargo shorts can take a 10 down to a 0 really fast.

How many of you Tinder boys really fish? If I had a dollar for every man on Tinder that was holding his catch of the day, then I would be one really rich lady. I mean, can we get a little more unique with our picture choice? This coming from a girl who has about 5 selfies in the same pose. Don’t judge me. But seriously, if you fish, that’s awesome. If not, don’t pretend to be some great outdoorsman. And while we’re on the subject, how many of you find yourself next to a wild animal (lion, tiger, bear), and think “This picture is going to impress all the ladies on Tinder”. I can’t count the number of those pictures I see too. But you definitely get points for the pictures of your pups. Pups are my weakness. 

Ugly friends make me swipe left. If I were trying to find a Tinder fella, why would I want one with ugly friends? I can’t set up my beautiful friends (although most of them are married now) with your ugly friends. 

So I get that she is your sister, best friend, cousin, etc, but why are you putting up a picture of you and some hot girl? Don’t make me have to read your profile to find out she isn’t your current/ex girlfriend. By then, I’ve already swiped left.

On a similar topic, the baby in your arms is making my ovaries hurt. Sure, it could give some women the impression that you’re going to make a great dad, or whatever. Its scaring the shit out of me. I’m playing on Tinder, which means I’m far from ready to be your baby mama. Stop it with the kids. 

No offense to your state or anything. Well, actually please take a lot of offense. If you’re a yankee, you need to be one hot yankee to get a swipe right. I’m immediately turned off by anyone born and raised above the Mason-Dixon line. 

If you don’t like sports, are you really even a man? I mean, you need to like at least 1 sport. You can be the creative type thats into photography, art, etc, but men should also like sports. I’m pretty sure this goes against all that gender role equality bullshit, but thats why its my opinion. Extra points for being a fan of Washington sports. (side note: If you’ve never been to Texas, why are you a Cowboys fan?). 

 When you message a female, please don’t be crude. I get it, we’re on Tinder. But really, do you think lines like “Are you dating, mating, or masturbating? “ are going to work? They don’t. Also, I don’t message anyone back, mostly because I’m not looking to find anyone, but if a girl doesn’t message you back, then stop after the first message and call it a loss. The guys that message me like 6 times before they stop make me wonder why they are so desperate or worry if they could find me and chop me into little pieces. I actually had a guy say “Is it too soon for me to say I love you?” Umm yes. Duh. You’re scary. But the guys that message with compliments about me being beautiful or gorgeous ALMOST make me want to message back. 

I could go on all day about all the things guys do wrong on Tinder. But really, I love the app. Its so honest. You get to base your impressions of someone solely on their looks and what they write in a tiny profile. If you’re looking for love, try match.com or eharmony, but if you want to spend your down time swiping left or right, based on how superficial you’re feeling, then head to Tinder.